Jonathon's wife was in labour with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout,
"Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" asked Jonathon.
"Nothing. She's just having contractions." answered the doctor.
_________
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
_________
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
_________
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said.
"What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student. "Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student. "Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas. The Texan replied, "Sir, that would be giddyup."
